February 20th, 2016, here we are me- 4 months pregnant standing on the beach saying I do. Standing there, hand in hand we knew it wasn't as much about love as it was for our selfish reasons. I didn't want to raise Kaydence without her dad and he I'm not sure- lol.
One thing I know we both desired to get our house in order. We loved God, and neither one of us wanted to separate. We knew that way of living wasn't pleasing to God. Eric had given his life to Christ since he had been to Hawaii after ten years of running and I, on the other hand, desired to turn in my badge of the professional backslider and seriously make it right with God.
After our I dos we had lunch with relatives and returned to our apartment to half deflated air mattress. We argued that night because this was not how a wedding night was supposed to be. Indeed this argument was a cover-up for all we were feeling inside- uncertainty, scared and broken.
I can attest that I had so much anger in my heart. I mean wouldn't you- recently divorced, jump back into marriage, miscarriage in July and now pregnant again. No matter how much people tried to encourage me, I couldn't see God in this.
Upon finishing marital counseling, I still was uneasy about being married for the second time, because the bible talks about not remarrying when your first spouse is still alive. Boy did that eat me up day and night, night and day. I went to so many people for their Godly insight as well forums on the internet. Even those who shared with me that we were ok, I couldn't find peace. The discussions on the internet seem to have damned us to hell. Were people judging Eric and I or was it just me being the judge of this marriage?
Was it just me magnifying being remarried so that I wouldn't have to see the real issues. The main problem, which was that we were two broken hearts trying to beat as one. Nevertheless, no matter how bad the fights had gotten, we stayed all in. I had threatened my husband so many times with the word divorce, that didn't phase him. Our first year of marriage was an emotional rollercoaster with all sorts of outside sources on the ride- past relationships, my husband other kids, family drama and work stress. We had everything draining us and was unable to see what was going on within in each other.
And one day in all of this going through my heart and mind- I prayed without ceasing. I plugged in and got involved at church. I journaled to God, and I choose love every day. Regardless of what my inner man was warring with- I choose Eric. And he was patient with me as I was with him.
Marriage battles are hard to overcome without allowing Gods way of loving to rule in our hearts. Yes, there are billions of people who do not believe in God and say that they love, often the love they have can be contingent upon how that person makes them feel. That's not how God love operates- he sticks it out with us through the good and bad and in return we must do the same. I admit in my first marriage I was selfish and only wanted the feel-good love all the time. In marriage, it has to be a love that shows up time and time again, a charity that is made up of steal that doesn't give up without a fight. A love that causes us to see the beauty in the ashes and extend grace in an underserving situation. For a marriage like mines, this is the love we needed a love that would go through the fire.
Stay tuned for the Part III.